This journal has been, up until now, more or less a failure. I do have an actual handwritten journal, but that is saved for the details that are far too...well, detailed, to put on here.
Today, work was...eventful.
Good day, then drama.
Tears.
Fun work.
Employee of the month reception.
Leaving early.
Nap.
Idol.
Reading through out.

Who is obsessed with Nearly Famous?
I am. Terribly. I have watched it all the way through, all six episodes, four times. I was having withdraws when I couldn't watch it while I was at work. It's just really an excellent British television show that I wish would have done better and gotten more known than it did.

In the event that anyone reads my journal, I'll give you a quick synopsis of the show. It follows four students, a musician, Owen, a writer, Lila, an actress, Kate, and a behind the scenes type, Joe, as they enter and go through their first year at a fictional performing arts school called Salinger. It just follows all the snags they four friends hit. Drama, alcohol, love, and violence. It just makes for compelling tv, mixed with an excellent soundtrack.

That being said, Aaron Johnson, aka Owen, or Robbie, in Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging, is an absolute babe, and his looks, as well as his voice, are taking over my life. All of these episodes are available on youtube. If you'd rather download, I found them when I looked it up on torrentscan, AT&PS as well. Watch, love, and gossip.

My family life is interesting. My mother and I fight horribly, but days later pretend it was nothing. My dad is very sick, but we talk about wrestling, and I think we might be closer than we were a year ago. My sister is just awesome, and we share randomly funny things with each other constantly. My Grandma is losing her memory quickly, but she absolutely loves when we visit her. It's just sad, and difficult for me, but I'm working on it.

My friends are beyond amazing. Although some of them, not naming names, sweat the small stuff too much. But for the most part, solid people.

This year looks great:

March: Caitlin is visiting
April: Alternative Press Tour, three dates.
May: NFG, then Alternative Press Tour in Ohio, with the lovely Erin.
June: Sam should be visiting.
July: Open for suggestions
August: Warped

That's right, a lot to be happy about. So, there it is, a proper post.

nobody reads this.
if you're interested in my day to day life.
either check my myspace, myspace.com/fakesharpie, or look me up on facebook.

it's over

i am alone.


edit// 10:45pm
i can't say that i didn't see a break up coming, i just didn't think it would happen at 3am today. i can honestly say, it's better for us not to be together, now that my thinking is a bit clearer. we were driving eachother mad, most of it coming from my end, and that really isn't healthy. i'm sad and upset, because this is my first relationship that actually met something to me, the first actual one since i've been out of high school. the first, and it's hard.

in the end, i hope that we can be friends. but right now, i'm a little bit too much all about me, and my feelings to be able to do that. hopefully, though, we'll be able to hang out and laugh about how stupid we both were toward the end of this. but right now, all i can do is stop, think about it being over, and then cry. but eventually that will stop, and i'll contact him, if he hasn't beaten me to it.

as for today, i spent the day laying on the couch in the living room watching tv, and randomly checking the internet, as well as informing friends of the event. i also took a three and a half hour nap barely two hours after i woke up. i believe i may have surfaced to the upstairs once, to see that my mom wasn't here. i had no water, and no food. being this sad sucks, and makes it hard to accomplish life. hopefully tomorrow is better.

this week doesn't look too good though. i'm not going to warped tour because i don't want to spend the money, and i've seen all the bands that i want to see play better shows than they will play in this weather at warped tour. but i'm not going to work, i'm getting a root canal. super yay! but natali does get home this week. we're going to make homemade pizza and go to worlds of fun and get gym memberships. i'm looking forward to living with my sister.

-peace.

i just blew up at my mom and told her she was 'drugged up.'
and do i care?
no, not at all. as a matter of fact, i don't give a flying fuck. about anything, or anyone.
i want it all to end.
nothing has meaning for me anymore.
once upon a time i enjoyed my life. the things i did. the people in it. my family.
but right this instant, i want to disappear. i just want to fall into a hole that never ends.
i'm so sick of headaches and crying. and worrying about what people think about me, but telling myself that i don't care.
because if i actually didn't care, i wouldn't be struggling to lose weight. i wouldn't be showering more, and shaving more. i wouldn't be dressing nicer than i use to.
but for some reason i changed. and i honestly hate who i've become.
and the sad part? noone cares. noone wants to help me find who i've lost.
sometimes, i just want to say i quit, i give up, i'm done.
but i don't. i just keep on leading this sad, pathetic excuse for a live that i've made myself.
whatever, tomorrow i'll fake a happy, and appease the people around me. pretending the best i can that tonight didn't happen.
pretending that i like my life and that i want to do what i'm doing.

i'm not sure what's going on in my head these days.
one minute i want to kill eric and i'm sure it's over.
the next i'm head over heels for the boy.
i really want this to work.
he means more to me than he knows.

also, one minute i love the babies, and the next i feel like my head is going to explode.
but i definitely love the 1 year olds.
i got to be in Toddler 1s today, and let me tell you, i had fun.
i also got an admirer.
he's 2 and his name is Jack.
he kept grabbing my hand and leading me places when we were outside.
it was adorable.
i also just love all the 1 year olds, so they get a shout out.
Carlos, Harrison, William, Parker, Brianna, Marysol, Mitchell, and Melanie.
i also love Ahmet, Trenton, and Marcus, but they weren't there today.

i want to get a second job, again, so that i have less free time. the extra time is boring me.
and i'm just as tired as i was when i had two jobs, so i might as well have one and be making monies.

word.

i have my fingers crossed.
it is possible that i will be getting t1.
and when i told eric that, he thought i was still talking about birth control (due to the conversation prior to be bringing this up) and it was so cute.
but seriously. i love my babies more than life. but the 1s do so much more. you get to play more, and it's less of a give bottle, change diaper, put down for a nap thing.
plus eventually all of my babies will be in my room again. and i want a chance to play with the babies who are already there.
there is far too much drama going on within the daycare. and i hear come august we are losing something like 7 of the teachers. crazy. i'm staying.

i want to see the boy.
not sure when i'll get to, but i will eventually and i will be happy and smile.
tonight is liezuh's birthday party so i'll be going to that. it should be fun.
]

not much else to say.

for some reason, my life has a way of not going at all how i planned it.
we'll take tonight for example. i drove home from denver, leaving much earlier than planned, i thought it would be nice to see eric when i got home.
so i asked if he was up for a shower-cuddle buddy sort of visitor. and he said that would be fine.
once there, i ended up showering alone. (suck #1)
when we do finally go to bed, he hardly cuddles and in just over an hour, he decides he can't sleep and gets up. due to this, i cannot seem to get to sleep myself. (suck #2)
after trying for a while, i decide i'll just go home, because at least the drive should make me tired. i tell him, and he seems like he less than cares. (suck #3)
so here i am at home, getting ready to go to bed, much later than i would have had i just come home (i'd have been here around 9:45) and i'm going to sleep ALONE. (suck #4)

maybe...i should just stop trying to do cute things. or spend nights with him. they aren't seeming to work. DO NOT get me wrong. i fucking adore this kid and the time we spend together. it just seems like when i get excited about stuff...it doesn't work out. i don't know what to do. maybe i should just stop trying and let shit happen. but when i try to do that, i find myself wanting to make things happen. and...then i overreact and say/do stupid things i regret hours later.

ugh...just want a good cuddle with the boy. and a good nights sleep, but those don't seem to go hand in hand. i'll figure this out one of these days.

i more or less have given up on the internet.
i dont really have time for it, and the only reason i'm on right now is because i am at eric's house and he isn't.

i work forty hours a week at a daycare, and i generally help out in another room during my break.
i work in the infant room, which is pretty much fun, but sometimes i want to be in toddler 1s.

i still work at papa.
if you want to hang out, try contacting me on a tuesday or thursday evening, or sundays.

that's all...

ps, V mine

so it's summer vacation, time to update the good ole lj.

last weekend...natali graduated college. finally. well it feels like it took forever.
dad and i drove to ohio. we left thursday night...well 12:45 am friday.
mom flew in thursday morning, and got to hang out with natali.
we got in around noon friday, eastern time.
the drive was pretty smooth. dad drove about half.
mom and dad played nice at the reception/bbq.
went to the mall with natali, and picked up ruthie.
saw what jac would look like heavier, and with piercings. i shuttered. ew.
graduation was lovely. especially when everyone broke out into song.
mom and dad continued to play nice.
i met lots of people.
then we went to olive garden.
watched a bad hilary duff movie with mom and natali.
helped natali pack.
drove home early sunday morning.
was particularly depressed.
went to see eric.
got a b in social psych. score. didnt read the book, or put much effort in til the end.
he left for vegas monday morning.
spent the majority of the week being lazy.
saw jac thursday. we picked up jeff friday.
volunteered at respite during the night.
met the most amazing child of my entire life.,
spencer. he makes life worth living.
no seriously. i wish that everyone could meet him.

(i am not a good table)

wanted jac to like johnny. ehhh.
eric got home friday, so i saw him after.
and hey, it's saturday night.
natali leaves soon, but i'm at eric's/
and it's really hot outside, and devon is crying.
hmmmm.

summer plans:://
ashley 5/11-?
fall out boy 5/12
jac...a lot.
eric.
fish, til she moves.
warped tour....8/15

...possibly?
a trip to:
denver
california
newton falls, ohio





lotsa baking.
done.

i have a lot of homework to get done over the next three weeks. school is out april 24th, and i couldn't be more ready. as time has passed, it has gotten harder to get all that i need to finish done. i dont want to do. lately, i want to sleep, or cuddle with eric, or gossip with jac and her momma and sisters. not do homework.
i'm starting to settle for less than i should. i got a 68 on my philosophy test and actually cheered. hey, that's better than my 59 on the previous test. i haven't read the book once in that class, hell i didnt even bother shelling out the cash to have the book. and i'm like, as long as i pass, life is good. i wish i was more interested, but there are more fun things going on.
but i know that by the end of the 4 month break, i'm going to be more than ready to go back to school, i just wish that i had an idea of what i was going to do with my life when i'm done with college. (ps, that was one long run-on sentence)
i need to find a second job. because as much as i love papa john's. i can't work there full time, i'd get far too frustrated. i'm thinking either hot topic, or a daycare job. i took out my septum ring, and my center lip ring, so this could be just a bit easier on the daycare front. i'll apply at ht today, i think. and see what they say. two jobs for the summer is good. and one for when school starts back up in late august.
i don't see enough people. i spend all of my time with the same kids. which i don't mind. but i think my other friends feel neglected. i spend MOST of my time with eric. several nights a week. but i really do enjoy all of the time spent with him. then next is probably jac. i spent most of last weekend with her. then it's a tie between sam and fish. the four greatest friends i could ask for. but i would like to see whitney more. and liz. i'll work this out when it's summer. right now my time is already spread so thin.
i wish i had easter plans. sam is in cali. fish has viktor and his second easter. jac probably has family stuff. and eric has family stuff. where am i in this mess? my family sucks at easter, though they haven't always.
i want to bake sugar cookies with cute cookie cutters. who wants to join?

....
Roxanne's birthday is next week. i wish i could do something nice for her. she thinks that i think she only uses me. but i dont. i just get easily frustrated and talk out my ass. i should take her cookies or something.


peace out.

i was really extremely upset about the current situation in my life. but then i realized things could be so much worse. one of my best friends is leaving for korea in less than two weeks; he leaves the day i have to be out of the house by, and honestly...i'd rather focus on him, and the time i have with him before he's gone for a year, than spend time being upset about a living situation that didn't work out how i'd hoped.

i do wish things could be different and that this could work out, but oh well. i have good friends to help me keep my life together while i prepare to move back in with my mom. i have jac, who is the sweetest thing in life. and i have caitlin, eric and baby fish, who make me smile constantly; everyone needs a one year old to brighten their day. i have eric, who is probably the most amazing boy i've ever known and i'm lucky he likes to be around me. i will soon have sam. and that's my amazing entourage that keeps my life together.

overland park is going to suck. and so many things will change. i won't get to drive 5 minutes when i want to see jac, i'll have to drive 30. when i want to see michelle, it'll be 30, not 15. when i want to see fish, i wont get to just hop on 291, ill have to take 35. i wont have internet access at my house anymore. eric won't be a 15 minutes zip down 350 anymore. oh well.

i've got a car, so ill still see everyone i want to. ill just be spending more money on gas. but that's something ill get use to. and ill still technically save money because i won't be paying rent, or buying a shit ton of groceries i never eat.

im just happy i have what i have

possible sinus infection.

need a new place to live.


but...army eric is in town.
so i get to spend a lot of time with him and fish.
and soon, baby fish too!

they get along well with other eric, hurrah!

i love jac all over the wall.

sam moves back next week.

let's make babies!



bye

life is interesting.

i love living with jessika. it's been a total blast so far.

my friends are fun.
heart you:
jac
michelle
caitlin
carissa
jessika
because you are who i spend all my time with.

eric is pretty awesome too.
i spend the next most time with him.



i wish i liked school

somewhere around valentine's day, i am moving to lees summit.
i'm moving in with my amazing friend jessika and i'm super excited. as far as i can tell, she's really excited too.
this is going to be ridiculous fun. hooray!

as for my resolutions:
1. i fail. i love talking shit.
2. i gave this one up for two reasons. 1. i'm quitting the pizza job, and 2. i shouldn't be worried about how my body is perceieved, i should love it.
3. twice this year, i think!
4. not really.
5. certainly. i think.
6. jessika is helping.
7. i was at 5 lbs, but i gave up.
8. i was but again, gave up.
9. nope.
10. ehh, no new ones since the last update.
11. never!
12. i do my work, usually.
13. i quit papa, so i'm looking.
14. ehh. i met a cute one, but its going nowhere.
15. nowhere.

i'm excited to be excited about life. i just wish i could get over how much i hate my body.

after talking with one of my closest friends...i realized something tragic.
i am the only person i know, save for two boys whom i am not particularly great friends with, nor do i happen to see often, and one amazing boy named jesse, that happens to be a virgin.

that's right. i haven't had sex.
oh well.

i didn't know this friend had, so it was an eye opening little chat. and it was nice being able to talk to someone about the awkwardness and general uglyness of penis' and how i dont like them. and could live without them probably.
and also, we talked about how i can't/won't have sex because i'm not comfortable with my body. but she said it helped her to be more comfortable. which is what i hear. but hey, that doesn't mean i'm going to slut it up. i want a boyfriend, a relationship. but maybe it makes me just a little bit less scared about losing something that should be more important to me than it currently is.



thanks lady

it's been just over two weeks and how are my new years resolutions going?
not great, honestly.
1. i've failed miserably and almost ruined of my best friendships...sorry michelle. i suck.
2. i'm more or less rocking this one. although i had dessert pizza twice. but none of that eating leftover pizza because im bored, go me!
3. well i've shaved once, but my leg hair is growing back so slowly...that i suppose its okay.
4. nope...still once every 3-4 days.
5. sure, i suppose.
6. i made four at the FOB show in stl.
7. 3 lbs. yay!
8. yep, i guess. i did 850 crunches today!
9. uhm...no.
10. i did just buy some dvds, but none on that list. the jackass box set, care bears 2, and bang bang you're dead. oh and the steve-o dvd for red.
11. nope.
12. i've had two days of class...it was cancelled this week...but ive done....most of my homework.
13. decided against in...maybe in a few weeks. i like the lack of everything.
14. no and no on 15.

so i've spent the last few days watching everyone on the jackass number two dvd. over and over and over again. i haven't had class since thursday, because of the weather, and because i only have class two days a week. so i've spent my days lounging, and excercising, and watching it.

i have these favorite parts i watch repeatedly.
.bam's reaction to getting his toes shocked 'don't do it'.
.bam saying 'fuck this' after seeing the riot control test.
.ryan shaking as he pulls his shirt up after the riot control.
.ryan's cute butt when he get's shocked.
.ryan's reaction to getting shocked.... 'no'.
.ryan's reaction to stun gunning his balls.
.bam, in general, on the vma shock phone thing.
.the flying 69, in all its glory.
.the riot control test, in general.
.bam crying because of the snake.
.medicine ball dodgeball in the dark.
.ryan saying 'it's a mushroom joke'.
.loomis fall.

yep, i watch that stuff pretty constantly. in between studying. right before i go to sleep. when i wake up. before i leave the house. i'm a nerd but i really love it. and i can't wait til summer. red and i have plans to search for ryan and steve-o, maybe even for bam. just because i honestly think ryan seems like a totally chill dude. and red really wants to bang steve-o and try out for playboy.

oh and i'm totally obsessed with bridget from the girls next door. i think she's the cutest girl ever in the whole entire world and i want to be her friend. or something. i think i have a girl crush on her. it's so weird though...because she's in her 30s, but hey, she thinks nothing of age differences. she's dating hugh hefner. she has to be pretty comfortable with it, and other girls, by now. ugh, i love her. i want to hang out with her. as my sister said, i should write to her and as if we can have a 'play-date'. wouldn't that be cute? me and bridget hanging out. yay!

the fall out boy show last week was beyong amazing. one hundred times more intense than i expected. i'm so glad roxanne semi talked me into buying the tickets. i mean i wanted to, but she pushed me over the edge into actually doing it. and wow. early november, new found glory, fall out boy. all amazing sets. especially from second row, on the left side. glorious. thank you michelle and roxanne for that amazing trip. and thank you jasmine, melissa, jesse, and koy for making it fun while we were there.